Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
