Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
