my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
