I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Randomize
