Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
You can't special order awesome
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
