you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
