paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
