I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
We have started to decorate penises.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
