Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
