I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
