Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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