I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
