he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
