if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
we're so committed to being not committed
Randomize
