She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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