when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
