Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
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