Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I just want nice things and good sex
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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