i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
