My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
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I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
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So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
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