Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
