I feel great
I just peed on a car
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Randomize
