My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Randomize
