My first STD was from a foam party
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
