You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
