and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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