you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
