JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
