Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
