Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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