Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
