if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Randomize
