In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I'm having to shit out rocks
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
