Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
