Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
