just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
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