Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Randomize
