I can tuck mytits in my pants
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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