I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
