he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
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