Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
do nipples grow back?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
