Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
