you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
That accounts for only three of the penises
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
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