it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
