i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
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He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
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Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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