That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
