Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
