Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
