Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
