So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
