i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I pour the whiskey from now on
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
