im about as happy as oj after his trial
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
