Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize
