you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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