PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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