Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
