I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
