I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
