how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
