Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
