I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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